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Thursday, September 14th, 2006
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3:56 pm - Day 18
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I find it staggering how the world can be turned on its head in such a short manner of time.
The arrival of my master in this god forsaken place was only the beginning. I'm going to need an alibi for last night - for both my master and Scarecrow. I do regret I stood him up as I did, but warning Scar was more important. Though I imagine I made a bit of a mess of that. But I can't say that I regret it.
I still don't understand him. He clings to me as though he needs me to live one moment and then pushes me away and claims to hate the thought of me the next. He gives me his name and then turns and tells me it isn't mine to use - he lets me in and then shuts me out without a moment's notice. But that is the man that he is - gruff and temperamental and mercurial. Would I love him still if he changed any?
But I do feel as though we've found some sort of peace between us, some level of even ground where we can move on from without such violent hostility.
But I don't know what happens now. I fear I said too much. I had no intention of confessing as I did - both to my feelings and to particular details of my creation. But it all came out, without thinking. He pulls from me things as though he's a magnet. But he needed to know, about the truth behind Ishbal and Lior, and the truth behind the woman he knew as 'Lyra'.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I cannot openly disobey my master but I refuse to be her pawn once more. She can kill me here, and she will kill Scar if she deems it necessary. I need to speak with the colonel as soon as possible - I don't know what I can offer him in exchange for help, other than information on my master and her plans, but it's the only choice I see at the moment.
Perhaps I've gotten lucky, and she didn't survive the night.
current mood:  thoughtful
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| Sunday, August 6th, 2006
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11:35 am - Day 17 - Links
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| Tuesday, June 13th, 2006
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5:16 pm - Day 16
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I am my own master now.
Sublimation. The forming of the soul. Dominion. Superiority. Sensuality. Prima materia, from which all forms come. The One furnishes the Other in blood; the One gives birth to the Other. Nature rejoices in nature; nature triumphs over Nature.
Duality absolute. Each needs the other to exist, cannot exist without both parts of the whole. Duality is the key to alchemy, the very essence on which it is formed. Cyclical nature, death and rebirth, destruction and creation, eternal return. And what am I, then, if not the embodiment of duality? I am both death and birth, destruction and creation. The Ishbalan symbol for lust is the symbol of the serpent, the serpent is the symbol of all cyclic things. I was born from death, born with blood, and death and life together live on within me. She lives on within me.
And yet that so sought after unity escapes me still.
current mood: contemplative
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| Sunday, May 21st, 2006
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2:16 pm - Day 12 - Entry #7
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I am beginning to regret any desire to be human that I ever entertained. I find it difficult to imagine anything more tedious, troubling, painful or confusing. I can barely control how my foolish, weak body reacts any longer. It vexes me and leaves me unsteady in my own thoughts. I have been given the gift of living my own life, and yet I find myself at a loss as to how to do so. I have no Master here, either to follow or to fear. And beyond that, I have no purpose.
And still the memories will not leave me be.
Perhaps it would have been far better if I had died, rather than come to this awful place.
current mood:  apathetic
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| Monday, March 20th, 2006
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9:58 am - Entry # I've Lost Track
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Inconsistencies. I don't know what they intend to do to me, but I know enough of this place to know it won't be anything pleasant. Perhaps the time of playing along and allowing these doctors to do as they will has passed.
current mood:  discontent
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| Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
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11:42 am - Entry #5
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Nothing really changes in this place. Day in and day out it's the same. They have the ability to control our minds here, apparently. I was unable to get much information out of either of the Elric brothers or their orange haired feline friend. Alphonse claims that the power over the mind can be weakened by triggering important memories. I have precious few of those, I'm afraid. I told them what I could. I don't enjoy exposing myself as I must in this place. But I imagine I told them nothing that they didn't already know, at least in part.
What is the purpose of turning us against one another like that? How long does it last? No more than a night, it seems. Edward, though sullen and childish, was himself today. And the other boy as well. Do they wish to turn us into an army of some sorts? Governments always seem to yearn for the perfect soldier. But why create these fictional lives? To confuse us and weaken our resolve, perhaps? I don't know.
I'm beginning to think that I'll never understand humans.
current mood: contemplative
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| Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
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10:43 pm - Entry #4
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Today has been eventful, to say the least. I spent the night in the company of Alphonse Elric. He really does favor his brother. He is a kind, sweet and perpetually polite young man. He's ridiculously annoying at times. But I believe I have a secure ally in him. He has sought out my company now, and seems to respond well to me. I must keep him on my side. Though I doubt it will be difficult, especially now. All men, no matter the age, are much the same.
Yet another ghost showed his face today. The Crimson Alchemist. I saw his bloody carcass in the streets of Lior and here he is, alive and arrogant. It isn't fair. If that man hadn't stepped between us, I could have killed him. I want to kill him. A foolish fancy, I suppose. Perhaps Pride was right, after all, that my attachment made me weak. I don't think it matters any longer. But either way, I will kill the alchemist. Greed will help me, if I can get in touch with him. He has a score to settle, as well.
Alphonse said that I should be dead. I wonder how it happened. I can't bring myself to be bothered by it. Should it bother me? It isn't as though I had much to live for, anyway. I don't remember it, really. I doubt that the Elrics would have gone back on our bargain. Did our master do it? I suppose I'll ask Fullmetal. Though it does raise the question of what I'm doing here. I doubt that this is the afterlife. I imagine it would be more full, if it were.
I want to speak to the doctors again. I want to know about this life that they've constructed for me. I want to know about this woman that they have invented for me.
I miss Gluttony.
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| Saturday, February 25th, 2006
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9:23 am - Entry #3
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It is a coincidence. Nothing more.
Still, I find myself curious about these supposed families of ours. They say I will be allowed a phone call after further counseling. A phone call to whom? The only family I could have ever claimed is gone.
But it certainly is quite a coincidence....
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| Friday, February 24th, 2006
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10:19 am - Entry #2
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I fell asleep in that room with the others - Fullmetal, the Flame Alchemist, orange-hair, Envy and the others - and I awoke in my bed. My clothing is clean, my finger still hurts and I've no idea how I got here. Did Fullmetal bring me back, perhaps? He knew my room number.
I wonder if I dreampt all of last night. My wounded finger tells me otherwise. I removed the bandage and found it much the same as yesterday. It's an ugly thing, this wound that won't heal.
What is this place, that becomes so deadly at night? Why are we here? As much as I am loathe to admit it, I feel I need to speak with Greed. The more Envy speaks the less I understand. At least I'm not alone - Edward remembers things as I do, or seems to. As does Greed.
I only wish I could remember where I have heard shinra from before. Was it the woman in the sun room?
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| Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
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3:07 pm - Journal Entry #1
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Nearly a day in this place and I have yet to discover where or why I am being held here. Or what has been done to me. And as grateful as I am for a familiar face, I have to wonder why it is Fullmetal that I find myself trapped here with. He is an unlikely ally in such a place, to put it mildly.
Good god, this is ridiculous. Why am I even bothering to write in this silly little thing? It isn't as though I have any difficulty collecting my thoughts. But still, I suppose it breaks up the tedium of the day.
I am beginning to think that some patients here truly are mad. A young man I met today insisted repeatedly that he came from a place that does not exist. That is madness. I wonder about the others. Fullmetal was rather unhelpful when we spoke in the dining hall this morning.
I feel naked without my usual attire and uneasy without my constant companion. Surely he should have been able to prevent my being taken. It isn't as though anyone could have harmed him. Unless.... no. They couldn't have, I'm certain of it.
I wish I were as certain of my own abilities to escape this damned place. No walls should be able to hold me inside against my will.
Dear god, what have I become in this place?
current mood: discontent
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